


Finding Hope

by brokenhighways



Series: Finding Happiness [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:17:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a year of living together, Jared feels like he's supposed to know who he's with, know them completely. But lately it feels as though he doesn't. Jensen's closed off half the time, and he doesn't like to share the burden. So when Jensen somehow manages to flip out at his boss, lose his job <i>and</i> break his arm, Jared is at a loose end. Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2058336">Finding Salvation</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Hope

**Author's Note:**

> The ending is open but...I possibly have one more part that should conclude this particular story. ;)

There are three things that Jared decided to himself on that bus ride that changed his life forever. One: he no longer had parents he could count on. Two: he had to man up and be the adult he claimed that he was. Three: he would never ask anyone for anything again. Back then, it was obvious that the third thing was the most unlikely, but he'd been naive enough to think that things would be okay. He had no idea that one day, he'd be in love, and have to look out for someone else other than himself. He had no idea that he'd be living from paycheck to paycheck with no one else to rely on. He didn't know that things would be so _damn_ hard. Or that sometimes people never got over the way life seemed to chew them up and spit them out. 

The case in point is Jensen. After a year of living together, Jared feels like he's supposed to know who he's with, know them completely. But lately it feels as though he doesn't. Jensen's closed off half the time, and he doesn't like to share the burden. So when Jensen somehow manages to flip out at his boss, lose his job _and_ break his arm, Jared is at a loose end.

"Don't worry about anything," Jensen's saying for the umpteenth time. He certainly doesn't look worried, but Jared can see how tense he is. The laugh track from whatever sitcom is playing on the television sounds blaring and mocking, and Jared feels an intense wave of frustration. If there's one thing being off the streets has taught him, it's that no one can tell him what to do. Including Jensen, who seems to have some sort of hero complex when it comes to him. It just so happens that he's not the one who needs saving. Not anymore. 

"I'll worry about whatever I damn well please," he retorts. "We have medical bills to pay. We have rent to pay. You're acting all kinds of strange. I mean, how am I not supposed to worry."

Jensen sighs. "Look, it's _my_ arm, _my_ medical bills. I'll sort it out. Just focus on yourself." Jared throws his hands up in exasperation. He gets it, Jensen's used to surviving any way he can. He's used to going at it alone, not relying on anyone. Jared understands that, but it makes _him_ feel worthless, as if Jensen doesn't trust him to be able to sort things out. 

"How are you going to sort it out?" he asks. "No one is going to hire a guy with a busted arm."

"Yeah, well, it's not like you'll be able to come up with any solution! God forbid you actually pull your finger out of your ass for once and _do_ something that actually helps." Jensen goes from 0 to 180 in the space of a few seconds and Jared doesn't even bother getting upset over it. It's just another thing that's wrong here. Jensen's struggling to adapt and lashing out as a result. Jared's been around Jensen long enough to know that it'll be a while before things get better. 

*

After two more weeks of having to survive on one paycheck and listening to Jensen resolve to sort things out, Jared takes action. He calls Chad, one of his former clients. Though, that's not strictly true. While Jared never told Jensen otherwise, he and Chad didn't get together for sex. They'd just go over to his apartment and hang out as friends. In the end, Jared wasn't accepting money from him anymore. It's not like Chad was the first guy to be a bit of a loner, taking money just seemed cruel. Anyway, the main thing is that Chad has his back and right now Jared needs his help. They meet at a bar across town, because Chad insisted on flying in. Jared knows that if Jensen caught wind of this he'd be pissed. He's never trusted Chad, and while he doesn't stop Jared from talking to the man, he definitely doesn't approve of their friendship. 

"Before you say anything, I want you to have this," Chad says, handing over a small piece of paper. It's a check, with no amount on it and Jared's shaking his head almost immediately. 

"I can't take this," he says. "All I wanted to ask was if you knew people in this city who--"

"I know what you were going to ask," Chad says. "And I'm stopping you from making a big mistake."

*

A week later and Jared's still got the check, a crumpled up mess that could help them out, a lifeline that could break them apart. To say that he was conflicted would be an understatement. Jensen's mood seems to have improved at least and Jared's grateful for that. 

"So, I have something to tell you," Jensen says as they sit down to have dinner. It's nothing special, just some congealed mess out of box that you 'make' in a microwave. "I got a new job. It's at a new coffee place opening downtown, and they need someone right away." Jared's first thought is a happy one but his second is _how is Jensen supposed to serve coffee with a broken arm_?

"Obviously, I can't, what with my arm and all but they don't open for a couple of weeks," Jensen explains. Jared isn't sure what to say, he just stares as the check burns a hole in his pocket. "You could at least pretend to be happy for me." Jensen's pouting slightly, and even though it is adorable, Jared keeps his response serious. 

"I am!" he insists. "I'm just worried about you. You've been working flat out since...well, since I met you and I think a break would do you good but no, yeah, this is...it's good. Congratulations."

"I know that it won't help us pay off our bills, but it is something, right?" He gives Jared a hopeful look. Jared wants to agree and say something agreeable but he finds that he _can't_. He knows that what they have here is good, especially for two former hookers, but the naive kid in him doesn't think that they can carry on like this forever. Doesn't think that this is all they're good for, crappy job after crappy job, barely making ends meet. Sometimes he gets the feeling that this is the best that Jensen's ever had it and that makes him feel like the worst person on Earth. 

*

He uses the check to pay off the medical bills and leaves it at that. It'll be easier to explain to Jensen that way. Right now though, he has an explanation of his own that he wants to hear. He gets a call from Jensen's boss Danneel telling him that he got pissed and took off midway through his shift and Jared wants to know why. It’s been three months since Jensen got the job, two since he got his cast taken off, way too soon for them to have to go through that situation all over again. By the time his own shift is done he's exhausted from over thinking about the call, but he needs to have this conversation tonight. It's not just about today, it's about the whole year they've been together. About the side of Jensen that comes out every once in a while. 

He's waiting when Jensen gets back to their crammed apartment, dinner long cold and tasteless, wondering how things seem so different and similar at the same time. It hits him then that this is nothing like their life was before. There's no strange hands and rough assholes who don't want to see their faces. It's just them. Jared knows which scenario he'd pick if he was forced to make a choice. 

"You didn't need to wait up," Jensen says. His voice is devoid of emotion, his eyes lifeless as he slumps down on the couch. As much as Jared wants to reach out and touch, he knows that he can't. Not if he wants to go through with this confrontation. 

"Jensen, what's going on with you?" he asks. "You haven't been yourself since..." Jared wants to be able to give a timeframe but as he considers it he knows that this whole _phase_ runs deeper than the past month, or past year. He's just had a front row seat, he’s been watching the reel for so long that it feels gradual but it’s not. Things have been in still motion for a while now. 

"I'm a mess." The admission is frank and brief and a surprise in itself. Jensen doesn't ever show signs of weakness, even when Jared can see right through the facade. To hear him sounding so dejected and broken really breaks Jared's heart and he wonders if he has what it takes to fix this, to make the way Jensen's feeling go away. To do what Jensen's always done for him. 

"What's got you so messed up?" Jared asks. He doesn't touch him, knows that's one of Jensen's grievances when he's upset. Another reminder of the time when they turned tricks. "Is it work, or...I don't know life in general? What's going on?"

Jensen lets his head drop onto the top of the couch, his eyes fluttering shut as he takes a breath. "It's _everything_. Being here with you, trying to make an honest wage and get by. It feels like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. I'm not a homemaker, I'm just that kid who grew up on the streets. I'm that boy who doesn't need anyone."

"You've got me," Jared says uselessly. He doesn't know the right things to say, but he can try. He can try and hope for the best. 

"Yeah, I do," Jensen says sadly. "And when you're gone I'm going to end up right back where you found me. Alone on the streets. You wanna know why I get so mad sometimes? Because people don't know what they've got. They're all civilized and too busy looking down at everybody else. And it isn't their fault, you know? That's how you're hardwired."

"So you're including me in that?" Jared asks. "You think I don't know what I've got? Trust me, I do. You might think that you protected me from everything out there but it's not like you could be everywhere at once." 

"That's not what I meant!" Jensen snaps. "God, why do you do that? Why do you always bring up the times that I wasn't there for you?"

"Because I want you to know that I don't need you to do everything for me. You don't need to _stay_ because of me. If you feel like you do then, me and you? We're never going to work out." 

"I just, I miss the streets sometimes. I mean, not the part where I had cocks shoved up my ass, but I didn't have to worry about other people you know? I was my own boss. It was simple." 

"I understand that," Jared says. "But it isn't healthy. And I think having me around is making your issue worse." Jensen's eyes fly open at that as he turns to face Jared. There's fear in his eyes, but the denial doesn't come. Not right away. 

"That's not what I'm saying." It sounds hollow, like a bitter lie. It's almost more cruel than the truth would be. 

"You don't need to say it," Jared says. "I have eyes and you've been acting like you're my mentor still, like, I'm that kid who showed up on the streets without a fucking clue. You don't let me do anything for myself and it isn't good for either of us. I can't be with someone I can't be truthful with."

"Oh, you mean the fact that you've been in contact with Chad? Or the fact that he gave you that check?" Jared freezes as anger flares in Jensen's eyes. So much for being discreet, he thinks. 

"Okay, so maybe I've lied," he admits. "Do you blame me? You fly off the handle at every little thing. And sometimes you scare me. You _scare_ me." The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, and before he realises just how true they are. Jared can more than hold his own, but it isn't that simple. It's not just a physical thing, it's mental. He doesn't want to wake up one day to find that Jensen blames him for everything. It's a fear of his, always has been. 

"You know what?" Jensen says, his voice steely and cold. "Take your crap and get out. Just get out."

Jared leaves, not wanting to tempt fate by trying to reason with him. He grabs his duffel and takes the first bus that he sees, only getting off to order a cup of coffee at one of those hole-in-the-wall, twenty four hour places. He sits on a hard plastic seat, watches as the milk turns into skin, turning the drink a putrid colour. He thinks about Jensen, wonders what he's doing. He goes even further and thinks about his mom, ignoring the prickly feel of tears forming behind his eyes. He thinks about his Dad, and how proud he made him once. He thinks about how much he misses them. Friends, are one thing, but his family were once everything to him and Jared knows that they always will be. But there's Jensen, who's somewhere between family and something else. Jared loves him, so much that it hurts to even consider a day when they're apart, and so much that he'd follow him back onto the streets if he needed to. However, he's not about to do those things, because if there's one thing he knows it's that sometimes you have to let go, even if you don’t want to. 

*

His co-worker Justin puts him up at his place when he sees Jared heading into the office with his overflowing duffel. 

Jensen calls him twenty seven times. Jared doesn't pick up once. 

Jensen finally catches him at work, knowing fully well that Jared has no choice but to listen to him because he's on entrance duty today. He can't even feign to be busy because it's the most quiet period of the day. Not that he doesn't want to talk to Jensen. He does. Just, on equal footing where he doesn't have to worry about getting fired. 

They meet up six hours later at some bar near the apartment, somewhere that Jared considers to be common ground. They need that, he knows that much now. In fact he’s had a lot of time to think about things over the past two days. He’s gone over certain things Jensen’s said, like, if it wasn’t for Jared he’d still be on the streets. The way that Jensen always wants to fix things because of _him_. It’s almost as if there’s some kind of codependency here and Jared doesn’t want to sit around and wait for things to get worse. He needs Jensen to learn to love himself, and to learn how to live life for himself and not Jared. To do that, he’s going to need some space. 

“I tried calling,” Jensen says after they’ve been sitting in silence for a few minutes too long. It’s not uncomfortable, but it’s getting to that point and even though he’s had hours to go over what he’s about to say, he still thinks that maybe he should just forget it all. He’s in love with Jensen, fuck, maybe he can be selfish just this once. Maybe. 

“I know, I saw,” he says. “I just figured that we needed some space. I didn’t mean to ignore you or anything like that.”

“I know,” Jensen says and they share a smile despite themselves and then things get serious. “Look, I’m sorry that I snapped, I just, went a little crazy when you said that I scared you. I know that I can be a bit much sometimes, I’ve had to be, all my life and I hate that I brought that into our relationship. I _am_ trying here. You’ve got to know that.”

“I do know that and I understand,” Jared replies. “I know that you’d never hurt me, not like that, I just meant that I’m scared for _you_. You needed a reason to get off the streets and I was that reason. You need a reason to get up and go to work everyday, and I am that reason. I’m the reason why you can’t adjust and I can’t just watch you do it to yourself anymore. If we stay together, you’re never going to see that I can take care of myself, and you’re never going to realise that your life is worth just as much as mine. I need you to see that.”

Jensen doesn’t respond initially, but Jared knows that he gets it. He can see the moment that it clicks, the second where the realisation dawns. “You’re right, but there’s more to it than that. You can see the things that I can’t, and I see what you don’t. I bet you feel like you owe me for helping you escape that guy, for helping you get set up here. Right now you feel like an asshole for even suggesting that I might be using you as an excuse to the things that I do. It hurts that I don’t see myself the way you see me. Well, guess what? It’s the same for me. I need you to realise that you don’t owe me anything.”

Jared shakes his head. “That’s not. It’s not the same.”

“Isn’t it?” Jensen asks. “I taught you how to pick up guys, how to get extra cash. I was part of the reason why you ended up selling yourself. I didn’t know any better, so yeah, you are my reason for getting off the streets. But I’m the reason why you were there in the first place. So you don’t owe me shit, I just helped you right a mistake that _I_ made.” 

“That’s not how I see it.”

“I know,” Jensen says, with a dry chuckle. “We both keep saying that we know and that we understand, so, I don’t know, what’s the solution here. I don’t want to lose you but, I know that what you came here to say to me isn’t promising. What is it? You want us to take some time apart and figure our shit out?" Damn. It’s moments like this when Jared realises that Jensen knows him better than he knows himself sometimes. It’s why he almost put off this conversation, and why he almost left Justin’s place every ten minutes until he finally gave up and swallowed a couple of sleeping pills. 

“So, what’s your plan,” Jared finds himself saying. “How do we fix this?”

Jensen leans forward, his eyes directly on Jared’s and says, “By talking. To each other. To someone else. I get it. We’re too wrapped up in each other. We need to maybe, spend some time with other people. I get that I can be a little controlling but I will work on it. I...I still don’t trust Chad, but I trust you. If you want to be friends with him, don’t let me get in your way.” He moves back after that, leaving a questioning glance hanging in the air. Jared takes a breath and contemplates his response. He still thinks that space is the answer but part of him doesn’t want to leave Jensen on his own. He doesn’t want to hurt him by not being there while they’re trying to figure shit out. Maybe space isn’t what they need, but _time_. They haven’t been off the streets for long, and each day is a struggle but...this is just the beginning. 

Jared doesn’t think he can walk away from the one person who’s always been there for him. 


End file.
